I really liked the court case study we did in class because I got to play on the both sides of the argument due to the structure of our group. At first I was a family advocate and although I didn't agree with the family's side, I felt I had a lot more to work with on heir side. While there were more policies and arguemeents to be made for the family, I was annoyed that the family seemed to feel entitled to excessive assistance for their son. I wondered why they were 't taking responsibility for their son and instead expecting someone else to foot the bill just because they thought they could get away with it. However, my perspective totally shifted when I played the lawyer for the school board. I realized why I didn't feel Isnside had much to argue. In its purest sense, the family just wanted their son to have the education that every other child in America was privileged to have and the $18,000 needed wasn't for erroneous medical bills but for an aid to give the child continuous care, something that the parents couldn't just do during the school day when they probably had jobs to support their sons other medical bills. I realized that this child didn't have anywhere else to go except for a most likely more expensive facility air to stay at home which would most likely not be the best education considering the family doesn't seem well structured for special education homeschooling. I still think there was more to the discussion in order to find an appropriate solution or at least middle ground. Whether or not the family was overly demanding in real life, I don't know, but they have more of a claim to their case than I thought they did.

It was interesting to do even 20 minutes of a mock Team meeting because I realized that this situation could be very awkward and emotional if the people aren't prepared. As the school psychologist I told what my diagnosis of Esther was. I thought this would be a relief for the family since their possible confusion about their sons problem was labeled and could be treated. I thought they would be happy they would know how to handle their child better and be less frustrated by things she did. However, the social worker felt for the family and talked about how she empathized with them. I didn't think of the emotions that would be involved with a child being labeled as mentally retarded, which is odd because in a normal scenario (where I wasn't wearing the psychologist cap) I normally would. We fumbled in our meeting and I understood why pre-meeting are important, when before I thought of them as excessive. I understood why a relationship and constant interaction with the parents was so necessary to give information in increments instead of bombarding the family every now and then.

I didn't get much reading done for this week, which I have noted on I-Learn, but I have enjoyed the other things we have discussed in class so I could better understand the structure and policies involved in ensuring a good education to those with special needs.

This week I did the wheelchair experience. That was informative. For the first part of it I was in the classroom, which was a lot more fun and carefree. However, soon things got complicated. After class I decided to go into the bathroom to try transferring myself on and off the toilet. Barby opened the door for me on that one. It was difficult to know at what angle to do it but the real problem was doing it without using my feet. When I got out to leave a girl was nice enough to hold the door open for me, but to my embarrassment my wheel got stuck so two other nice girls assisted in pushing and pulling me out of the doorway. One of the girls asked if I needed any more help and I asked where the elevator was. She offered to push me there and I agreed to. I used the door opener to get out and then the real horror ensured. I don't think I realized why people in wheelchairs have gloves, but my giant blister on my hand is a sore testament that downhill wheel-chairing extremely capability of burning off your flesh. I really struggled with going down hill the first time, I struggled to maneuver it, my hands were in a compromising situation and I tried to not go fast. I ran into the grass and got totally stuck but luckily one girl pulled me out, saying she had done it before to. I almost fell back into the grass after she left but I was so emotional about NOT going back into the grass that I put my foot out. I continued down the hill to the Kimball and struggled up the small incline to the doors. One man saw my struggle and pushed me to the door where I hit the wheelchair access button. I went to the financial aid office to set up an appointment for later and then asked the person at the information desk where the scheduling department was at. On my way out I thought I had an opportunity to open the door for myself without assistance but one man saw my struggle and opened the door for me. Nothing could prepare me for uphill, which was the real horror. I think the combination of the hot sun, my weak arms, my heavy backpack and the cautioned off entrance to the Hinckley were all factors to this bad uphill situation, but the main issue is that uphill wheel-chairing is the worst thing ever. Ever. I felt like I was rowing. Making huge rows and only moving forward and inch. As I inched up the hill a man in crutched and a brace was struggling down-hill. I enthusiastically told him we could do this. By the time I got to the mini kiosk of posters right below the Hinckley, I was completely through with rejecting people's polite attempts to push me uphill. I was done with my embarrassing attempts and the horrifying amount of distance I had left. As I calmed myself under the shade of a tree, I accepted a girls offer and she was nice enough to get me to the other entrance. There I was able to go through a door by myself. I rode the elevator up to the Academic Advising center for my appointment. It was awkward to find a place to wait in the waiting area and I had to juggle a trashcan at one point to get to my meeting. The girl I was with laughed about my wheelchair problems with me. She probably sees a lot of wheel-chaired people given her work is right near where people check those out.  After the meeting I got a drink from a drinking fountain, which is more complicated than I thought it would be. It kept running down my face and I felt really juvenile. As I wheeled towards the door I realized how vulnerable I felt in a wheelchair. If someone was coming after me that was it, I hope I have a taser, pepper spray, huge upper-body strength or some serious negotiation skills because if a serial killer was coming for me I was certainly not outrunning them, or anyone else will ill will towards me. I was able to go out the Hinckley doors though the other direction. I wasn't doing that drama of burning my hands off so I got out some paper and used it as a shield between me and the wheelchair. After going to the events office, I once again attempted going uphill but after a while, it wasn't happening, persistence felt completely futile and I accepted a man's offer to rid me of my very slow and awkward wheeling. I had him drop me off at the Kiosk below the Hinckley, and another girl pushed me up the rest of the hill after I struggled and despaired some more. A friend ran into me and pushed me to the Hinckley doors. My weak arms shame me. Everyone was an angel to me, but that's probably out of pity. It's likely that no one wanted to watch my pitiful attempts at wheeling, just like people struggle to watch a baby animal begin it's first awkward steps.

This week was interesting for me. I am still needing to review the laws, but I did appreciate learning about how the government is structured to try to meet the needs of those with disabilities. It's interesting to observe the process of how and why laws were created and what they mean for us today. Necessity really is the mother of invention for many of these laws which sprout not from overall social opinions but from lawsuits. It's incredible how the creating of one law creates implications that encourage other laws to be created. The FAPE law was the springboard for the case that required the school district to fund the child's education-based medical needs (once again I really need to review these laws' names). It was interesting to see how the government decided to break down disabilities under IDEA. It made me wonder why they decided to put some disabilities under IDEA and to leave some just under 504. The main reason must just be that these 13 categories are more inhibiting, but I wonder if there was some other logic behind these categories since the 13 categories seem slightly odd to me (granted I don't know much about disabilities). I wonder how laws will change with social change. Emotional disturbance is becoming more common and more accepted as inhibiting growth and education. With memorial day coming up it makes me think of those with extreme PTSD that are as disturbed as someone with schizophrenia. I  
        As I watched the video that discussed IEP's and the video that illustrated at sort of case study about a school district trying to fix their IEP's I realized how much goes into the IEP process (which gave me an appreciation for my dad who mentioned needing to write some on occasion). I didn't realize how many professionals are needed and how much discussing happens between them to create one. I thought a teacher just wrote an IEP and perhaps worked a little with the parents and touched base with one or two professionals and the administration. I also didn't think about the parents rights in writing the IEP, because I had assumed that an IEP was more related to the school than to the family. However, the parents are almost at the center of an IEP. It was interesting to discover that the main reason for an IEP (at least in my opinion) is to make sure that the child gets the services needed to succeed in getting an education. I thought IEP's were more classroom instruction based. Honestly, I think IEP's and all disability law needs to ease up a bit. We are so focused on numbers and laws to ensure our numbers will look good. No policy can ensure that kids won't slip throughout the class when children become numbers. I have a 'child development' rant related to this subject and I'm just realizing that it's specially connected to children with disabilities who sometimes seem even more controlled from those with a behaviorism mentality. In general though I think people really care about those with disabilities and are doing their best, obviously. I just think we need some paradigm shifts in the way we address special needs.
         This week I did the masks. The first one I did was the blurry vision one with the tape over it. This one was quite the challenge. I remember being surprised as I went down the cement steps leaving the Hinckley that I needed to be more intentional. I was frustrated that I couldn't quickly float down the steps as I usually do. I wasn't surprised that my reading assignments went much slower but I was surprised that by going slower I decided to put more detail into them the masks made me more calm and less rushed in a way (especially the first two). I was surprised by the way I carried my things down this one set of steps in the library, I am usually more meticulous about how I carry my things but I just remember thinking how grateful I was to just have the stuff in my hands to move. As I looked closely at the computer screen, I was reminded of a girl in my ward who needs to look at her screen close up, and of this gentleman I saw in a family history center at Temple Square who needed the images zoomed in greatly, and needed to put his face close to the screen and roll his head around. I wished I had understood them at those points like I did as I struggled to see the screen. Part of me said, "Am I just supposed to sit around for four hours because homework feels impossible?" and then I was reminded of how many people struggle through college and fight through life with similar if not worse challenges. Suddenly those inspirational stories about overcoming physical and mental struggles came to my mind, and I didn't see them as corny or patronizing as I sometimes do (though sometimes I do think the film industry cheeses up perfectly good 'courage' stories, if that makes any sense). Changing masks was like being unleashed from a prison. The world glowed for me in a similar way that the emerald green northwest glowed when I came down from northern Alaska.The mask with the tiny holes in it was also emotional and frustrating for me, and had similar challenges. However, I found the tiny holes a little bit easier to deal with (I really ought to go back and recall what the names of those vision problems were). Understandably, people looked at me as I wore the mask. I felt so awkward and slightly less justified in wearing them than I would in having a stutter or in riding a wheelchair because the masks felt like an awkward fashion choice.  I wore a mask up to my friends office, because I wanted to see a familiar face and then went up to the classroom for a group meeting, where I felt more comraderie as I wore the mask that blocked out my middle view. That one was hard to commit too since I wanted to read, but the directions said to stare at the green paper and use my peripheral vision. Brother Cloward said that those with this problem can read through their peripheral, it's just hard. I think I felt for those people the most, not that I have any deep concept of any of those with vision impairments daily struggles. I saved the 'easiest' one for last. Having one eye pocked out seemed preferable to the other struggles.

As I walked down from the Hinckley I passed a student with his guide dog. He was talking to a student that had a mobility disorder about how it took him 5 hours to do an assignment. His friend gave his sympathy. I passed him so quickly but after I heard him speak I turned around and looked at them longingly, wishing I could naturally start a conversation or just boldly cry out, "I just wore the masks today! What vision problem do you have? I feel for you friend!"
         For my Higher Wider Deeper Project I started writing a few mood logs and gratitude journal entries during the week since both were prescribed cognitive behavior therapy (CBT) techniques. The mood logs were very calming and I felt changed by them. In a mode log you go through a process of writing down your feelings in different sections, giving a percentage of how much you resonate with that thought, writing down the cognitive distortions affecting your thinking (ex. mind reading: thinking that you know what others are thinking) and then thinking of a more positive but truthful thought. You then label a percentage on that thought of how much you believe it (it really should be above 90%). After this you give a percentage to how much you believe that previous negative thought. This process helps you break down what you are thinking, why you are thinking it, and what's real and what is subjective. It helps you get rid of the hot air in your thoughts. Next week I want to carry around a note pad in my purse to write down my negative thoughts and new thoughts to replace them with. This would be like a mini portable mood log. I also want to do my mood log every day next week. I ordered a book on CBT at the beginning of this last week so I hope that comes in soon since all of the articles I have glanced over seem to just give the basics of CBT. I have been doing group therapy, I can't really go into detail about group therapy, but I wanted to mention this at least once because I do feel it's a part of my self-application of the CBT process (even though it's not an element I am going to bing in much) in that it has made me more self-conscious of how I act, think, and feel and the sessions are mediated by a professional who tries to keep the focus on the thoughts, words, and actions happening in the session (which is very similar to the CBT philosophy). I feel I need to apply a few more CBT techniques as week as find a way to apply it or teach it to my family.

    This week I was really moved by the video Simple Justice, especially since there has been so much contention in our country about racism. I was moved by how diligent, assertive these men were and yet peaceful. It reminded me of Dr. King's movement of peaceful protesting and how that was more powerful than all of the violence of either party. I loved seeing how hard they worked for a cause they believed in, and there wasn't any fanfare about them. They seemed like humble men doing their duty which is an attitude I hope to have as I try to become a Home and Family Advocate. I struggle to confront important issues, and watching that movie made me want to be more vocal about what I believe in as well as respectful. I don't want to be the passive person who doesn't try. It's interesting how rights for other races was strongly connected to rights for the mentally challenged. When we struggle to recognize one weak and vulnerable population we struggle to recognize other ones and in the end, their rights are connected to ours. The freedom of one population is directly linked to the freedom of another population. All of our freedoms are connected.
    The vote with your feet activity in class was interesting. It's so interesting how all of the class had such a variety of stances on some stances and all were good Latter-day Saints, in similar majors, at one of the most conservative schools in the country. It's great that we are all so different and have a different perspective to bring. Some think there isn't much difference between a Child Development and a Home and Family Major or a Elementary Education major and a CD major but there are some different philosophies that are attached to those majors. It was also interesting to see that many of the 'agree' and 'disagree' people were on the same page, they just couldn't be in the middle. I think that happens a lot when it comes to hot topics. My grandfather and I have different political ideologies and it's incredible how many times we have been saying almost the exact same thing, making the same points, but still felt like we were disagreeing. We have so much more in common with others than we have differences.
    The movie on Serbia was really enlightening and I felt it shed light on the U.S too. It's incredible how much ideas, laws, and a little economic stability can encourage people to be good and how not having those delicate social restraints can encourage people to give in to their passions. Democracy is more delicate than we think. I also realized that our country still does similar things to Serbia except in a more passive way. Many abort children that they know have special needs. If Serbians had that technology they probably would abort their children more too, but because they have less of that technology, social instability, less laws, and a little more social stigma against special needs children their children are sent away to horrible institutes. We can't act like it's our better natures that protect our innocent handicapped when so many abort them and when laws are what seem to ensure the needs of those with special needs are met. I wish we were better with our special needs children, but we certainly are improving. I love the gospel where we see having special needs children as an honor. Those special spirits are here to teach us because they already passed the test of mortality.

     I figured out some more details for my Higher, Wider, Deeper Project. I am doing my project on cognitive behavior therapy, which is a type of therapy where the patient tries to change their thought processes, get rid of cognitive distortions, meditate, and look at things from a truthful but generous way. Many members from both sides of my family struggle with mental, emotional, and cognitive disorders mostly regarding ADHD, bipolar traits, and anxiety.
    There are many aspects of this 'diseases' that are learned from our past and fed by our actions that I know we could all change if we just tried to change the way we lived and saw things. Regardless of how much of my families' struggles are biological and how much are other causes I know that the spectrum of our coping with our struggles varies significantly in relation to the choices we make and the thoughts we think. I want to learn more about Cognitive Behavior Therapy so I can help my family and loved ones and also so I can change myself since I really don't want to have kids or get married as the person I am today. I want at least a few more changes in my life before I will feel ready to start my own family.
    I graduate this semester and there are many habits that I have been working on for years that have improved even within this semester. However, I still feel tripped up by the same ridiculous thought patterns, habits, fears, and emotions that I have always felt. I would be so deeply moved if my learning about and implementing CBT (as well as a few other changes I'm making) helped me alter my thoughts, feelings, habits, and lifestyle. I also want to teach my family a little even if it's indirectly.
    I plan on attending the weekly meditation sessions on campus, researching about CBT, applying different aspects of CBT to my own life, going to group counciling, teaching my family, and tracking my progress.